5111. Who you marry, who you are going to spend the rest of your life with and raise children with, is a matter of great importance.
5112. A “marriage pool” is any group of unmarried men and women where each member of the group, if he or she marries at all, is likely to marry another member of the group. Non-members of the group are in some way not qualified. In a small and remote town or village, the marriage pool for a young person would be the other young people of the village. In a religious group with strong beliefs, the members might want to marry inside the group. This limits the marriage pool. Children of the very rich and powerful might feel that they should marry someone at the same high level of wealth and power. A marriage pool can be defined by location, race, beliefs, attitudes, or cultural background.
5113. There is a “sex market” or a “marriage market” in the sense that most men and most women are interested in finding a mate for sex or marriage. Each man wants to find the most attractive and desirable woman that he can, and each woman wants to find the most attractive and desirable man that she can. Each man and each woman wants to present himself or herself in the most attractive and desirable way in order to attract the best possible mate.
5114. Each man or woman has a “market value” in the “sex market” or the “marriage market”. This cannot be precisely quantified, but it is nevertheless very real. There are enormous variations and individuality in what each man and each woman has to offer, and in what each one desires in a mate. But there are also factors which are uniformly desirable. A slender and beautiful woman has a much higher market value than a fat ugly woman. A rich man has a much higher market value than a poor man. Physical fitness and youth are very desirable in either a man or a woman. Movie stars perhaps have the highest market value. And so you find movie stars marrying each other.
5115. Women often complain that men are only interested in sex. But it is very sensible for a man to want to have a sexual partner. And if he does have a sexual partner, then he will naturally need and want to put a great deal of his time and attention on her. So if a woman does not want to be his sexual partner, then it is very sensible for him to look elsewhere.
5116. In the same way, it makes sense for a woman to want and to look for a sexual partner. If one man does not work for any reason, then it makes sense for her to look elsewhere. Men sometimes complain that a woman is looking for a husband, as if there were something wrong with this. If men are looking for sex, and if women are looking for a husband, then that is a credit for the women, and for their farther look into the future.
5117. Beauty to a very large degree is something that is under the individual’s own control. Often you see a beautiful woman, and you know that that woman works very hard to make herself attractive, and you see that she is very successful. This applies to weight and health and physical fitness, to clothes, and to hair styling. Less often, you see a man who really knows how to take care of himself and to make himself look good.
5118. Women sometimes get the idea that skinnier is always better, sexier, and more beautiful. This is not true.
5119. High energy is sexy. This is obvious in athletes and in rock stars. Even in a languid slow moving sexuality, there is a sense of subdued and controlled energy.
5120. Intelligence, wit, and charm are very attractive, but not necessarily to those who are lacking in intelligence, wit, and charm.
5121. Love, helpfulness, and virtue can be extremely attractive, but not to those who are not loving, helpful, or virtuous.
5122. Sometimes a woman manifests a fine esthetic sense, and seems to have a spiritual and esthetic radiance about her. This is extremely attractive to those who can perceive it.
5123. To a very large degree, one’s market value in the sex or marriage market is under one’s own control. The first thing to do is to have your own life in good shape, with Thoughtful Inquiry, Moral Courage, and Industriousness. The second thing is to work to make yourself attractive.
5124. You must market yourself.
5125. Even the best product will not sell, if no one knows about it. You must meet prospects. You must go to places where you will meet possible mates. You must use dating services.
5126. How hard you want to work at this is a very individual decision. You may be very busy with one thing or another. But even a small marketing effort could pay off at any time. You could carry on with your marketing effort for years. And then one day you hit the jackpot. No marketing effort might mean a lifetime alone. Even if it takes years of marketing, if you one day hit the jackpot, then the rest of your life might be vastly better than it would have been.
5127. How special does the person you marry have to be? That is a very individual decision. Do you want someone you can get along with reasonably well who will go to bed with you? Or do you want sweet mad heavenly passion?
5128. Do you want a half-baked romance? Or do you want a glorious romance?
5129. If you want heavenly passion, but you have little to offer to attract a mate, you may have a problem. It may seem too hopeless to bother with a marketing effort. You may be setting your standard higher than what you yourself measure up to. If so, then you need to improve yourself first. Your vision is impossible because of your own shortcomings.
5130. On the other hand, those who shop a lot, and those who spend a lot of time hunting for good deals, know that sometimes you can find an incredible deal. The same is true in the sex and marriage market. You don’t want to prevent your own success by being too pessimistic.
5131. Very often matches are made by chance, by Cupid’s arrow. You meet someone. The two of you like each other a lot. And one thing leads to another.
5132. Marketing applies to old people too, 50, 60, 70, 80, not just to teenagers. An old person can still be in love, can still make herself or himself look good, can still be attractive to the opposite sex, and can still be lonely. Sometimes the hormones don’t work as well, but even that can be remedied to some degree by taking good care of your body. Romance still makes a difference, and you should still care.
5133. Your lover and mate should be your best friend. But there are two rules that apply to romance that do not apply to friends:
a. You can only have one.
b. It is a long-term commitment.
5134. In choosing a mate, you want to look ahead. Love, sex, and romance are all about the future. They are about having a future together. They are about creating a life together. They are about raising children who carry the race into the future. Is the future life that you want to create going to be harmonious with the future life that he or she wants to create?
5135. Can your vision of the future be combined with his or her vision of the future?
5136. Are your goals, where you want to go in life, what you want to do in life, going to match up with his or her goals? They don’t have to be the same. But they have to be reasonably similar.
5137. Love is built on hopes and dreams. Are your hopes and dreams compatible with his or her hopes and dreams?
5138. Love will not work if one person sacrifices his or her goals, ambitions, hopes, and dreams, falsely imagining that only love matters.
5139. Love is built on two individual lives, each of which is alive and energetic and ambitious. They can work together on the same projects. Or not. Anything that works. But each must have his or her own personal fulfillment and production and satisfaction with life. This may be primarily the raising of children.
5140. You want to look ahead at what will not work. You could have a list of deal breakers. What do you need? What do you want? What do you insist on? He’s charming and sexy, but he has no money. She’s beautiful and sweet, but she’s an airhead. You can’t stand a fat person, a smoker, someone who watches TV all the time. You want a warm climate, he wants a cold climate. You like to go out on the town, she likes to stay at home. You like to go mountain climbing, he likes to take a walk. You are careful to eat only the healthiest foods, she eats more ordinary food. You are going to be living together. Is this going to work?
5141. What does he do for her? What does she do for him?
5142. Why is he valuable to her? Why is she valuable to him?
5143. If one of you moves a lot faster, has a lot more energy, and gets a lot more done than the other, this is likely to be a problem. A substantial difference in intelligence is likely to be a problem. A substantial difference in the sense of ethics is likely to be a problem.
5144. Perhaps your idea of romance is that you want the one and only, the perfect mate for you, the one whom God and destiny have appointed to be yours, now and forever. It is normal and natural to think that way. In zoology this is called “pair bonding”. A male and a female come together and are bound into a pair. Thereafter they stay together. They are “pair bonded”. They are “hitched”. This is good for the children.
5145. But it is not always entirely realistic to suppose that you and your prospective mate have been eternally destined to be together, especially if you feel that way, and the one you want does not feel that way. There is a lot of potential for heartbreak and sorrow and loss.
5146. If you really want a woman, you should be careful what you wish for. Do not wish simply to have her. If you have her, but if she is in any way a captive, held against her will, then she is a slave and you will both be miserable. Instead, wish for her to want you as well. Then you can both be happy. This also applies when a woman wants a man.
5147. It is OK to have a woman. You like her. You can live with her. She is willing to have sex with you. It is an entirely different thing to have a woman who is intensely interesting and attractive to you. Your desire for her is very strong. You are in love. You are “over the moon”.
5148. Sometimes the degree of attraction in one direction is different from the degree of attraction in the other direction. The man’s desire is stronger or weaker than the woman’s desire. One finds it satisfactory. The other feels very strongly. It is best if the degree of attraction is similar in both directions.
5149. It can happen that you have the chance to form a sexual partnership. And you like the person a lot. But you’re not quite as in love and “over the moon” and joyful about this prospective mate as you were hoping to be. Do you pair up with this person? Or do you say no, and risk never finding someone else better or even as good?
5150. Sometimes a man or a woman places great importance on having a sexual partner and does not set very high standards about who it is. The primary and urgent purpose is simply to find someone to have sex with. If you are chosen by such a person, the relationship may last for a while, but you should be aware that the loyalty and commitment of such a person may not be very great. If someone who seems more desirable comes along, you may get dumped in favor of the newcomer.
5151. There are those for whom sex means nothing in terms of loyalty and commitment. The more decadent a society becomes, the more people there are for whom this is true. The guy takes the girl out to dinner and a show. Perhaps two or three times. She has sex with him. Both feel that this was a fair exchange and a satisfactory deal. It may be that his primary objective is just to have sex with her. It may be that her primary objective is just to have sex with him. There is nothing very wrong with this if both the guy and the girl are happy with it. But it is a long way from creating a long-term romantic relationship.
5152. The desires and joys and sorrows relating to sex, love, and romance are very great. Their strength is astonishing. And they do not necessarily diminish with age.
5153. Many people ruin their lives in one way or another over sex, love, and romance. You may be suffering from the despair and tragedy of it all. But if you can manage to carry on and to not destroy your own life over it – and to not destroy anyone else’s life either – then you should count your life a success, at least to that degree.
5154. Any man and woman who have established a workable relationship that is reasonably satisfactory to both of them should be respected. This is no small achievement. Even if their relationship is in some ways deviant or strange, hey!, it works! This paramount fact should be respected and tolerated. Their satisfaction with each other should not be interfered with.
5155. Sometimes a man and a woman have a relationship but they drive each other crazy. They are miserable together. And yet for whatever reason, they seem unable to get away from each other. Such a relationship is highly questionable. It may be that one or both of them should pull themselves together, apply a little self-discipline and sanity, and ride off into the sunset, alone. On the other hand, with a little self-discipline and sanity, maybe they can get into communication, resolve their major problems, and start making each other happy.
5156. Sometimes a man and a woman achieve a high level of pleasure, joy, and delight in each other, in their sex life, and in their activities together, and they can maintain this high condition over a long period of time. This is a great achievement. This is a lofty ideal. Such a couple should be admired and imitated.
5157. The romantic relationship needs to be constantly created. So you have a mate. If you sit back and do nothing, he or she will just be a roommate. The romance, the excitement, and the thrill, need to be created, and put there, and generated, and encouraged, from here on out. And this includes old people. Show that you care. Show that you are thinking of him or her. Prove that he or she is not just part of the furniture. Do many little things. You should run your fingers through his hair. You should kiss the side of her neck from behind.
5158. Sometimes the loyalty and commitment of your partner are not as strong as you hope and believe that they are.
5159. If your mate or potential mate has less loyalty to you than you have been believing, this condition is often revealed when your mate or desired mate finds someone else who seems more attractive than you. When this might happen is not predictable. But if you observe the one you care about looking for someone else or being interested in someone else, then you know the risk is there, and it could happen at any time.
5160. It can be very stressful when the one you care about finds someone else and either leaves you or closes off the possibility of more that you were hoping for. When there is no commitment which has been agreed upon, or when the degree of commitment is vague and uncertain, this finding someone else does not necessarily mean that you have been misled or betrayed. It can also mean that you have been overly optimistic and that you have closed your eyes to the reality of your situation.
5161. The one you believed or were hoping was yours, now has someone else, but before finding the new person, he or she probably did not want to emphasize the lack of commitment, for two reasons, first, to not drive you away, and second, to not hurt your feelings.
5162. Even if you are totally realistic in your understanding of your situation, it can still be very stressful when the one you want and care for very much finds someone else.
5163. Sometimes when you get rejected, it’s actually a good thing. You might look back later and realize that it would not have worked out well.
5164. If you lose the one you love, the one you want, it may seem that life is over. It may seem that the future is a desert, barren, bleak, and dry, an endless wasteland of desolation and sorrow. The color has gone out of life. The song of the bird has lost its thrill. This is not actually true. You will get over it. At least mostly.
5165. On the other hand, you may have lost a great thing. The joy and happiness in the rest of your life may be substantially less than it would have been. The thing to do is to look at this fact, and observe it, and say, “Well, golly, gee, life is just not going to be as much fun as I thought it was going to be.”.
5166. This is a good time to consider the possibility of another woman. Or man. What do you want to do in life? What are your priorities in life? There is a saying: The best cure for a woman is another woman. Or for a woman, another man. Maybe you should work on improving your shortcomings. Maybe you should market yourself and shop around. Maybe there are other important things you want to do in life. Maybe you’ll meet someone else.
* * * * * * *
This article is Chapter 158 in LIBERTY FOR ALL MEN EVERYWHERE – The Theory And Practice Of Freedom by Dale Samson. This book is available at http://www.libfame.com.
© Copyright 2010 Dale Richard Samson. Partial quotations of this chapter are permitted with attribution. Cite source as Dale Samson's LIBERTY FOR ALL MEN EVERYWHERE at http://www.libfame.com.
